8 typical symptoms of a disturbed mother-daughter relationship
The relationship with our mother is the first and therefore most important relationship in our lives. It shapes us deeply. Especially in the first years of our lives. Does the thought sometimes creep up on you that there is something "strange" between you and your mother? Is there no maternal warmth? No closeness? No trust? You may have a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship.
We often hear that the relationship between mother and daughter is a very special and wonderful one. However, this is not always the case.
The most important facts in brief
8 typical symptoms of a disturbed mother-daughter relationship Coldness, lack of empathy, abuse, love is tied to conditions, manipulation, devaluation, control and dominance, boundary violations
Late effects Developmental trauma, dysfunctional behavior, repressed emotions, emotional dependency, attachment problems, low self-esteem
Causes of your mother's own traumas and their consequences, transgenerational traumas
How you can start to heal the long-term effects of a lack of maternal love: recognizing your needs, learning to set boundaries, trauma work
How does a disturbed mother-daughter relationship manifest itself?
A disturbed mother-daughter relationship manifests itself with signs such as emotional distance and coldness, inability to empathize, abuse, love that is tied to conditions, manipulation, criticism and devaluation, control and dominance, permanent boundary transgressions, shiny facade on the outside, coldness on the inside, golden child and black sheep, jealousy and competitive behavior and much more.
In the following, I will discuss some typical signs of a disturbed mother-daughter relationship that are often described to me in my practice.
1. emotional distance and coldness
Is your mother emotionally absent, emotionally cold? She was functionally present, but you didn't feel any maternal closeness? Not to this day as an adult? Did you receive no real sympathy, little comfort, a lack of security? Then you may have had an emotionally cold mother. You can find very detailed information about the emotionally cold mother and the long-term consequences on my page emotionally cold mother.
2. inability to empathize
A dysfunctional or toxic mother cannot show genuine compassion towards you or has no real interest in your feelings and needs, she ignores your emotional hurts.
3. abuse
Emotional abuse very often plays a role in disturbed mother-daughter or mother-son relationships. Many people are not aware that they experienced emotional abuse from their mother as a child - and often even as an adult.
Emotional blackmail by the mother on the adult daughter
emotional blackmail it stirs up fear, insecurity, shame, guilt to control and manipulate you, the message: without me you are nothing
Silent treatment punishes them through silence and withdrawal of love
Parentification Role reversal, you took on the role of parent as a small child
Manipulation in guilt you should be grateful..., I have given up so much for you....
emotional reversal of blame you are to blame for the situation that is now so difficult between us
Creating emotional dependency Although you are financially independent from your mother, you have an unhealthy, too close mother-child bond that you can't get out of
Gaslighting she undermines your own perception and feelings, negates your feelings, you exaggerate, you are sensitive again
Emotional abuse is just as bad as the other types of abuse and can have many serious long-term consequences in your life as an adult. Often worse, as it often goes unnoticed for decades.
You can find very detailed information and examples on this topic in my article on emotional abuse.
Do you want valuable impulses on how you can begin to heal the emotional consequences of the disturbed mother-daughter relationship?
Then sign up for my impulse letter, where you will receive the first steps and practical help on how you can start to heal emotionally.
4. love is tied to conditions
Your mother has made you understand that you will only receive affection and recognition if you obey. If you don't obey, you will experience rejection or silence as punishment.
5. manipulation through feelings of guilt and fear
An emotionally immature, toxic or narcissistic mother often makes her children compliant by manipulating them into feelings of guilt, gaslighting and fear in order to get her way. In childhood, but also in adult children. The disturbed mother-daughter relationship is based on fear and guilt.
6. criticism and devaluation
In a dysfunctional mother-child relationship, you are devalued and criticized as a child. You are belittled and your successes are ridiculed.
7. excessive control and dominance - suppression of your individuality
Did your mother see you as an extension of herself? Were your own wishes, opinions and talents respected or suppressed? Your mother determines important aspects of your life well into adulthood, e.g. career choice, home, hobbies, friends, partner. There is no room for you and what you want.
8. permanent border crossings
Your mother doesn't accept your "no, I don't want that". You were taught as a child that contradiction is not welcome. Perhaps you were or are even afraid of your mother. Afraid to tell her "NO". You have learned that you are not allowed to set boundaries.
Is my mother toxic, narcissistic or disturbed?
My personal opinion is that the distinction is not important. Your mind wants to know this so that it can give a label to what you have experienced, so that it can categorize it.
The only thing you need to know, in my opinion, is:
Did the behavior, the relationship with your mother do you good or not?
You can answer this question clearly and that's all you need to know.
What are the long-term consequences of a lack of maternal love in adulthood?
A lack of maternal love can have numerous and serious long-term consequences in adulthood and will shape you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with it.
What are the long-term consequences of a disturbed mother-daughter relationship?
Developmental tra uma the many small injuries you experienced due to a disturbed mother-child relationship or the things you were not told but wanted to hear, the lack of emotional support, this is called developmental trauma. Yes, you may have trauma.
Suppressing feelingsto isolate the emotions is a protective mechanism of your subconscious to avoid feeling the pain because it would overwhelm you
Hatred of mothers, anger, powerlessness, fears, an abysmal feeling of being alone and other strong emotions
dysfunctional behavior patterns such as people pleasing, good girl syndrome, shying away from conflict, not being able to set boundaries, perfectionism, helper syndrome, overconformity
Circling thoughts due to suppressed emotions
emotional dependence you have an unhealthily close relationship with your mother
you are a head person who analyzes and needs to know everything, but no longer feels anything because you no longer have a connection to your body
Emotional numbness/dissociation this is a protective mechanism to avoid having to feel the pain
Attachment problems because you have never been shown a healthy attachment
Self-doubt
Deep uncertainty
psychosomatic complaints
Psychological complaints Depression, burnout, anxiety
Low self-esteem
no self love
Limiting beliefs I am not right, not good enough, wrong, not lovable, daughters are not worth anything
You can find many more late effects of a lack of motherly love on my pages Late effects of a narcissistic mother, Working with the inner child and Emotionally cold mother.
Causes of maternal hatred
If you were curtailed in your own development, your self-expression from an early age, if you were not seen, your needs were ignored, love was conditional, you may have experienced emotional abuse, it is perfectly normal for you to be angry. And yes, sometimes this can turn into hatred of your mother.
It is important to know that anger and hatred want to be validated and felt. Don't push it away.
Do you want to free yourself from the long-term consequences of a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship?
You can't change your mother, but you can start to set healthy boundaries, start to heal yourself. You can start looking after your needs. You can start standing up for yourself.
What are the causes of disturbed mother-child relationships?
The causes of disturbed mother-child relationships can be manifold.
Your mother's own - unresolved - traumas
Your mother may have had a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship with her own mother and has never experienced a healthy mother-daughter relationship herself. She doesn't know what a healthy mother-daughter bond looks like. She doesn't know it.
Your mother has experienced her own traumas, which she unconsciously pushes away so that she doesn't have to feel the pain and fear associated with them.
This results in many aspects of your mother that influence her relationship with you:
Toxic behavior patterns towards you, such as the symptoms and signs mentioned above
Narcissism
Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety disorders, burnout
Transgenerational trauma
This is about the war traumas of the world wars, for example, and the consequences for the post-war generations. The war generation encapsulated their traumas and the rest lived on functionally as a shell.
Children were born into this situation who learned that emotional closeness and feelings are not relevant. This generation, in turn, has unconsciously passed on to their children exactly what they experienced as children.
Other causes of disturbed mother-child relationships
Our relationship with our mother begins in the womb. There we absorb everything that our mother experiences.
What is our mother's emotional state in relation to us?
What is the state of our mother's nervous system?
Are we welcome?
Are we welcome as a daughter?
How did the birth and the first bonding phase immediately after the birth go?
The foundation stone for the later relationship with our mother is already laid here.
How do I heal a lack of motherly love?
Healing is a process that consists of many small steps. You can start today.
First steps:
Create awareness
Stop talking yourself up about your relationship with your mother and become aware of what is going on in your individual interactions with her.
What are your needs?
Take a sheet of paper and write at the top:
What are my needs?
Write down every situation for several weeks: What do YOU want?
There is no right or wrong here. Write it down, no matter how strange it feels.
Read it out loud to yourself.
It is important to say it out loud. You may be saying these things for the first time in your life. You need to hear it with your own ears.
Start setting boundaries
If you are in a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship, you may find it very difficult to set healthy boundaries because you were not allowed to do so from an early age, especially as a daughter. You had to be good, you were supposed to be the good girl.
Do you still have to be the good daughter today?
Learning to set boundaries is highly emotional. It often involves feelings of guilt, unconscious fear of your mother's reaction (it's your little one's fear in you!) and repressed anger. You need a healthy approach and access to your own repressed anger in order to be able to set healthy boundaries. Anger always wants to come up when someone crosses your boundaries. It is an internal warning signal, so to speak.
Connect with your inner child
Working with your inner child is powerful. Inside you sits a small, hurt, angry, sad, helpless, scared, younger version of yourself. It is waiting for you. It wants to be seen. As an adult, you can now be the loving mother to your little one that she never had. You can find out exactly how to do this in my article Working with your inner child.
Phantom dialog
Close your eyes and imagine your mother in your mind's eye.
What do you want to say to her?
Say it out loud.
It is important to say it out loud!
What would you want to tell her if you didn't have to fear any consequences?
Speak it out.
Since childhood, we have stored words inside us that we were not allowed to say or because we were afraid to say them.
These words want to get out.
If it feels right for you and your body or arms or legs want to make a movement, then do it. If you want to make sounds, do that.
That is self-expression.
You can start expressing yourself.
Important:
Please do not do this in front of your mother, but when you are on your own, in an environment where you feel safe.
How you can start to heal the long-term effects of a lack of motherly love
If you want to start healing the late effects of a lack of maternal love, it is advisable to get support, because the dysfunctional relationship with your mother has had a deep impact on you since early childhood. I work with many people who show symptoms or signs of a disturbed mother-daughter relationship or parent-child relationship and in my practice I specialize in working with children of narcissistic parents.
I have walked this path myself. I want to be honest. It's been a long road. I wouldn't be where I am now without support.
I have found my passion in what has helped me myself and accompany people with Emotional Release sessions using trauma therapy methods and trauma sensitive coaching. We don't talk about the problem, but you start to feel and express the repressed emotions associated with the disturbed mother-daughter relationship slowly, step by step. This happens in a safe environment and at your own pace. In the FAQ you will find answers to common questions about my sessions.
My Emotional Release sessions can include:
Learning to feel emotional release again, freeing suppressed feelings, coming to terms with the developmental trauma caused by the disturbed mother-daughter relationship, the trauma is in your body, not in your head
Work with your inner child You make contact with your injured little one and learn what she needs and how you can give it to her (reparenting)
Regulation of the nervous system Polyvagaltheria
Internal Family Systems /Partswork /Working with inner parts
Somatic exercises this helps you to get back in touch with your body, in order to be able to feel, you need to be in touch with your body.
Changing limiting beliefs
Stefanie Heinlein
I am an expert on narcissism, healing practitioner & mentor. My mission: emotional release & working with the subconscious mind. I supported people to free themselves from the shackles of their emotional hurts and traumas, and related repressed emotions and patterns, regardless of the cause. My particular area of heart and specialization is supporting women in releasing their narcissistic trauma so that they can once again live a self-determined life with self-love, self-worth and self-confidence.
