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The narcissistic mother and her children

Narcissistic mother
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A narcissistic mother has a profound effect on the lives of her daughters and sons. You may have been wondering for some time what is wrong with you. Materially, you have received everything from your parents, butyou have a deep, vague feeling that the relationship with your mother has always been somehow "strange". Distanced, unlike what you know from friends and their parents. You may have grown up in a narcissistic family structure without realizing it.

Children of narcissistic parents often suffer for years or decades and often only realise as adults that they do not have or did not have a healthy relationship with their parents and how much this has influenced and shaped their whole life, their whole being.

The most important facts in brief

  • Profound effects: narcissistic mothers strongly influence their children's lives by suppressing their identity and creating emotional dependencies
  • Types of narcissism: Overt narcissists are extroverted, overtly aggressive, demand admiration, while covert narcissists are subtly manipulative, controlling and passive-aggressive
  • Typical behaviors: emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love, control, manipulation, creating feelings of guilt, gaslighting, silent treatment
  • Dealing with narcissistic mothers: minimizing or breaking off contact, setting healthy boundaries
  • Liberation and healing: processing the emotional injuries by feeling the suppressed emotions in a protected environment

Narcissistic personality disorder versus narcissistic mother

The boundaries as to whether your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder or "just" narcissistic behavior are blurred. Narcissistic mothers do not necessarily have to have a narcissistic personality disorder in the clinical sense in order to have a massively damaging influence on the development of their daughters and sons. I will therefore be discussing mothers with narcissistic traits in general. Of course, there are different degrees of narcissism - milder and stronger narcissistic behaviors. It is also not important for you to know exactly whether your mother has an explicit narcissistic personality disorder or "only" displays narcissistic behavior. Both are extremely toxic.

Narcissistic personality disorder is - to put it simply - the intensification of narcissistic behaviour and must fulfil certain criteria according to ICD-10.

How does a narcissistic mother behave?

Narcissistic mothers see their children as part of themselves and the children are therefore unable to develop themselves. Any attempts at autonomy are suppressed, devalued, ridiculed and criticized. This can severely impair the healthy psychological development of the child. The daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers completely lose their identity.

Narcissistic mothers are unsympathetic, emotionally distant and use emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep the children emotionally dependent. Love is conditional. Silence and ignoring are used as punishment. Narcissistic mothers are very dominant and controlling and absolutely incapable of criticism.

Openly narcissistic mothers

Behaviour differs depending on whether it is overt or covert narcissism. Openly narcissistic mothers display grandiose, extroverted outwardly confident behaviour and demand admiration and can be openly aggressive.

Hidden narcissistic mother

A mother's covert or vulnerable narcissismis more difficult to recognize than overt narcissism, as the narcissistic behaviour is more subtle. A covertly narcissistic mother is more introverted, often acts seemingly selflessly, "sacrifices" herself for the family under the guise of taking outstanding care of the children. Under this guise, she dominates and controls the children and makes them emotionally dependent, manipulating them with feelings of guilt and fear.

If the children try to detach themselves, the covert or vulnerable narcissistic mother criticizes, devalues, ridicules and subtly makes it clear to the child that - if it does not follow the mother's advice - it will never be able to successfully master its life. Behind the selflessness of covertly narcissistic mothers lies a great need for recognition.

Narcissistic mother

Characteristic symptoms of a narcissistic mother

Please note that just because some of the following characteristics and symptoms apply to your mother does not mean that you have a narcissistic mother. However, if many symptoms or all of the behaviors and characteristics listed apply to your mother, it is reasonable to suspect that you have a narcissistic mother. The behaviors can vary in severity. If your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder, the symptoms and signs can be much more pronounced than in a mother who "only" has narcissistic traits. There are, of course, many variations of the behaviors mentioned.

Do you want to free yourself from the effects of narcissistic abuse?

In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program we work on the root, your emotional hurts, you learn to take care of your hurt inner children and heal them little by little. 

It suppresses your self-development

  • Owns you
  • Views you as a part of themselves and not as an independent person
  • what does not fit into their image does not exist or is denigrated
  • prevents autonomy efforts of any kind, devalues or ridicules them or punishes you with silence
  • Does not support the healthy development of your self-esteem and your individuality
  • Determines about you for your own good, because you don't even know what you want, e.g.
    o What clothes you wear
    o What hairstyle you have
    o Which school you go to
    o Chooses the school subjects for you, even in secondary school
    o Which apprenticeship you do
    o Which profession you take up
    o Finds you an apartment according to their ideas
    o Chooses a sport for you
    o Which instrument you play, even if you are completely unmusical
    o Whether you eat vegetarian food or meat
  • you are not allowed to have your own opinion

She blackmails you emotionally and manipulates you

  • Often non-verbal, but very effective
  • Withdrawal of love
  • Ignores you
  • Punishes you with silence (Silent Treatment)
  • If you're not the way I want you to be, then......
  • Love and affection come with strings attached
  • Calls your perception into question (gaslighting)
  • Stirs up self-doubt in you
  • Makes you look crazy if you question their actions or pursue your own things
  • Questions what and how you feel
  • Spreads "funny" vibes that you try to save as a child and manipulates you with it

It makes you emotionally dependent

  • You still seek your mother's approval or advice even in adulthood

She dominates and controls

  • is always right, does not tolerate contradiction
  • is not in a position to accept your "no I don't want that"
  • Has the needto keep you small
  • Minimizes or does not react to your successes, ignores them
  • Permanently oversteps your boundaries
  • Controls you
  • Humiliates and devalues you
  • the contact with her is not at eye level
  • Makes fun of you
  • goes into competition with you
  • is jealous of you

Is emotionally cold

  • Not capable of empathy
  • Can't show real warmth, no maternal warmth
  • is a purely functional mother
  • Is emotionally unavailable
  • is not interested in how you feel
  • No warm, appreciative communication
  • does not perceive that you do not have a personal, deep relationship
  • You could never go to her when someone hurt you or when you were in pain because you were afraid she would dig further into the wound instead of being there for you

Uses you to realize yourself

  • it's not about promoting your talents and interests, but about your mother's self-realization
  • presents this as "sacrificing" for the family, but everything must be done according to their will, what you want is not relevant

She is absolutely incapable of criticism

  • Is absolutely incapable of criticism, but constantly criticizes you and others
  • Considers himself infallible
  • Cannot under any circumstances admit that she has made a mistake
  • Causes you to feel guilty (guilt reversal)
  • If you criticize a narcissistic mother, you will be punished

Clarifying conversations are not possible, they are blocked, you

  • You are to blame
  • Are wrong
  • Are the problem
  • Are difficult
  • You are ungrateful
  • you remembered it wrong
  • cannot win against them

Often there is a "golden child" and a scapegoat

  • one child is idealised and the other child is devalued, dominated, controlled, manipulated
  • if you try to clarify this in conversation, she tells you that you are imagining it
  • the relationship between the siblings is often severely strainedas a result

Perfect family image on the outside - coldness and distance behind the façade

  • Presents the perfect image of the perfect, harmonious family to the outside world, outward appearance is everything
  • What goes on behind the façade must not be brought outside
  • Distant contact, no emotional closeness, support or cordiality
  • Conversations only about factual topics such as house, car, job, money
  • No real participation in your life, in what really defines you
  • The family is focused on functioning and presenting

She perceives the relationship with you as good as long as you

  • You follow her
  • have the same opinion as her
  • You pursue the same interests

The narcissistic mother-daughter relationship

In the case of narcissism in the mother, the mother-daughter relationship is of particular importance. A narcissistic mother sees herself in her daughter. On the one hand, the mother sees her daughter as part of herself and thus prevents the healthy development of her daughter's own identity. On the other hand, she sees her own daughter as competition and unconsciously projects her own pain, worthlessness and insecurity onto her daughter and devalues her, keeps her down, criticizes and manipulates her.

In the case of narcissistic mothers, the mother-daughter relationship is therefore often permanently disrupted into adulthood due to this destructive dynamic.

If you are an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother struggling with the consequences, you may begin to break out of this destructive dynamic and begin to heal yourself.

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Dealing with a narcissistic mother

Narcissistic mothers are not insightful. This is a characteristic of narcissistic mothers. Everyone else is the problem or has the problem. The sooner you realize this and understand that she will never change, no matter how much you wish she would, the better off you will be.

If the mother is narcissistic, the mother-daughter relationship will never be characterised by warm closeness. Never.

A narcissistic mother cannot empathize with you. If you, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, try to have a clarifying conversation with her, it will only lead to her telling you that you are to blame for the situation and that something is wrong with you.

The fact is that you can start to make sure that you are doing well.

Basic rules for dealing with narcissistic mothers

These are some important basic rules for dealing with a narcissistic mother that can make your life easier.

1. do not take it personally

Her behavior has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her. Something can only come out of a person that is inside them. Let that sink in. Read this again.

Don't try to make her see reason, this is not possible with narcissists. You can't win an argument with a narcissist as a mother.

2. minimise contact

Minimize contact or break it off, at least for a while, create distance. It's your decision alone how often and for how long you have contact with whom, even if it's your mother.

Be aware of your needs, do what is good for you and not what determines them.

3. keep the contact superficial

Keep the conversations superficial and factual so that your mother can't use anything against you and hurt you emotionally.

4. learn to set boundaries

Set healthy boundaries, if she doesn't respect them, leave or don't answer the phone.

5. strengthen your self-love and self-worth

Work on building your self-love and self-worth - narcissists can only act out their behavior with people with low self-worth.

6. become emotionally independent

Work on your emotional independence so that you can make free decisions.

Breaking off contact with a narcissistic mother, yes or no?

If you want to heal your soul and your body, you need space and time. Space for you and time for you. It is essential that you learn to set boundaries and this is precisely what narcissistic mothers cannot tolerate. Therefore, minimizing contact may not be enough, and cutting off contact with your narcissistic mother may be the only way to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse, at least for a while or possibly forever.

And yes, it is allowed to break off contact with one's mother.

This also applies when your mother gets old.

Do you want to free yourself from your narcissistic mother?

In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program, I take you by the hand. We walk the path together. Piece by piece. The trauma is in your body, not in your head. What you can feel, you can heal. 

End of life of a narcissistic mother

The most important thing here is: Listen to your needs. What feels right for you?

Depending on where you are on your healing journey, it is important that you do not fall back into the machinery of your narcissistic mother's narcissistic games at the end of her life and in her old age.

Here you must and may clearly decide what is possible and good for you and what is not.

When it comes to care and assistance at the end of your narcissistic mother's life and in old age, there are social services for this. You don't have to do this yourself. You can keep contact and interaction to a minimum if that feels good and right for you.

Narcissistic mothers convey feelings of guiltto their children, which will be stored in you for the rest of your life if you have not dealt with them. You should therefore take great care of yourself and set yourself apart so that your narcissistic mother does not continue to manipulate you with feelings of guilt in old age and at the end of her life.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, it is a natural consequence that you will take care of them in old age. But if this is not the case, you can free yourself from the belief that you have to do so.

Say the following sentence out loud:
I respect you, but I don't care what you think about me.

It's your life!
You can say YES to yourself.

End of life narcissistic mother

What consequences do narcissistic mothers leave behind for the affected children?

If you grew up as the child of a narcissistic mother, you have learned to have no needs, you don't know who you are and what you actually want, you have lost your identity. You feel empty inside and have the feeling that you are watching your life from the outside. You feel deeply insecure, have fears and feelings of guilt, are over-adapted, conflict-shy, can't set boundaries and what you do is never good enough. You try to earn love and approval and are afraid of rejection. You are emotionally dependent, even though you may be professionally successful in life.

In my article Late effects of a narcissistic mother you will find many detailed examples of the possible profound effects on your entire life if you grew up with a narcissistic mother.

Do you find yourself in it?

Emotional blackmail by narcissistic mother

Narcissistic mothers often work with emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail or emotional abuse is psychological violence. Emotional abuse is subtle and can have many faces.

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you unconsciously did EVERYTHING as a child to receive love and affection, protection and nourishment. Because that's what we need as children to survive. 

If your narcissistic mother used emotional blackmail to exert her power over you, this will create deep-seated negative beliefs in you that will continue to work in adulthood if they are not resolved.

Many daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers only understand late on how much they have been shaped by the narcissistic mother.

If your mother is emotionally manipulating you, this can look like this, among other things:

  • she punishes you with silence (Silent Treatment)
  • You know that if you don't do what she wants, she'll stop talking to you
  • often happens non-verbally
  • create feelings of guilt
  • You have the feeling that you are not free to make decisions, you are manipulated by your narcissistic mother's behavior (words, facial expressions, silence, etc.) to do things that are unhealthy for you and that you don't want to do
  • You feel you are responsible for family peace
  • You are afraid of being deprived of love
  • You are afraid of no longer getting support
  • You have the choice between plague and cholera - either you do what your heart tells you and reap silent treatment, no more support, criticism, devaluation or you follow the opinion of the narcissistic mother and sell your soul in the process

Emotional abuse leads to traumatisation

Daughters and sons of a narcissistic mother often experience traumatization due to emotional abuse or emotional blackmail, which can lead to the suppression of emotions. Those affected often experience

  • Fainting
  • Helplessness
  • Uncertainty
  • Fears
  • Shame
  • Debt
  • Worthlessness
  • Lost
  • feel small
  • Inadequacy
  • Dependence
  • be unlovable
  • feel insignificant

Do you recognize yourself?

Are you ready to take your life back?

In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program, we work in depth on your emotional hurts. You are no longer alone. You are safe now. Your little one is safe now. I hold your space as you walk through your pain. 

Silent treatment as a form of emotional abuse

Inner child work

Silent treatment literally means: treatment through silence. Radio silence. Silent treatment is one of many manipulation techniques with which a narcissistic mother deeply unsettles and destabilizes her children with sustained, deliberate silence and ignoring. She controls and manipulates you with silent treatment. You are air. You cease to exist. You are dead to the narcissist. 

The narcissistic mother denies the existence of the victim. If, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have been the victim of "silent treatment", the knowing ignoring, punishment through silence, you may have developed enormous feelings of guilt, deep insecurity and fears as a result. Fear of criticism, fear of not being lovable, fear of not being right and many more. Because the "silent treatment" is always accompanied by the unspoken message: "you've done something wrong." "you are disappointing me." "you're not the way I want you to be." "You're not part of the family." "If you don't do what I want, I'll ignore you."

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. Silent treatment is psychological violence.

The result is that the affected children adapt to the point of complete self-sacrifice, completely negate their own wishes and needs, and at some point no longer even know them, just so that they no longer have to experience "silent treatment".

How should you react to Silent Treatment?

Realise that

  • You are right, just as you are
  • Silent Treatment is an attempt to control and manipulate you
  • the problem is not you, but your narcissistic mother
  • a narcissist is unable to communicate in a healthy way
  • Silent Treatment Psychological Violence is
  • a narcissist will not change

Draw the consequences

  •  Set limits!
  • Communicate clearly what you are prepared to tolerate and what you are not. Stick to it.
  • Don't chase after your narcissistic mother

Learn to love yourself. When you love yourself

  •  automatically increases your self-esteem
  • you can set healthy boundaries
  • a narcissist can no longer manipulate you
  • you free yourself from your emotional dependency

Heal your inner child. You are an adult now. You no longer need your mother to survive. Let her keep quiet. This is her issue, not yours. Not anymore. She only has power over your wounded inner child, not over you as an adult. If you heal the wounds of your inner child, no silent treatment can affect you anymore. 

Surround yourself with people who are good for you. See what is good for you.

You are the voice now! You decide what you accept from your mother and what you say no to. 

Emotional abuse leads to the formation of negative beliefs and convictions in the affected persons

A narcissistic mother or father often commits emotional abuse or emotional blackmail. Through emotional abuse, the children of a narcissistic mother and father develop destructive and limiting beliefs and convictions such as:

  • I am not lovable
  • I am not right
  • I must not feel
  • What I feel is wrong
  • I must not be me
  • I am not allowed to have my own opinion
  • I have no needs
  • I am unimportant
  • I have to do what others say
  • I am a bad daughter/bad son
  • when I feel this, I die
  • and many, many more

None of this is true. You just started to believe this at some point.

You have made another person's truth your truth.

But is that really true?

How you can free yourself from the narcissism trap

When the individual building blocks all fall into place and the realization or certainty seeps through to you that you probably have a narcissistic mother, you have found out that the things that have happened are called emotional blackmail, there is a huge black hole.

Emotions may come up, such as anger. Anger at yourself for putting up with all this. Anger at your mother. Powerlessness or helplessness. Sadness about the time you have lost. Sadness about the mother you never had. You may feel overwhelmed. Hopeless. All of this is allowed to be here and is part of the healing process. The way back to you. The way home.

Take responsibility for your life and get your life back

You have built a wall around your heart to protect yourself from further injury and put yourself in chains.

The time to free yourself is NOW.

Who did you have to be for your narcissistic mother?

Who do you want to be?

Stefanie Heinlein

Narcissistic mother - what to do? First steps

It is important that you acknowledge what has happened to you. This is an essential first step for your healing. It opens the door to healing. As long as you keep telling yourself that it wasn't that bad, you are gaslighting yourself. The emotional injuries, the traumatization that you have experienced want to be seen, acknowledged and felt.

And yes, you have experienced trauma due to narcissistic abuse.

Look for support that suits you, that understands you, that picks you up where you are right now. Talk therapy didn't help me personally at all, because the root of the problem, the emotional injuries, weren't touched in talk therapy. I very quickly realized that I needed more to heal than just talking about the problem.

Here you can feel inside yourself.

What do you need?

Based on my own personal experience, I have specialized in alternative therapy for children of a narcissistic mother, working with the inner child and trauma coaching.

Stefanie Heinlein

I am an expert on narcissism, healing practitioner & mentor. My mission: emotional release & working with the subconscious mind. I supported people to free themselves from the shackles of their emotional hurts and traumas, and related repressed emotions and patterns, regardless of the cause. My particular area of heart and specialization is supporting women in releasing their narcissistic trauma so that they can once again live a self-determined life with self-love, self-worth and self-confidence.

Stefanie Heinlein