A narcissistic mother has a profound effect on the lives of her daughters and sons. You may have been wondering for some time what is wrong with you. Materially, you have received everything from your parents, but you have a deep, vague feeling that the relationship with your mother has always been somehow "strange". Distanced, unlike what you know from friends and their parents. You may have grown up in a narcissistic family structure without realizing it.
Children of narcissistic parents often suffer for years or decades and often only realise as adults that they do not have or did not have a healthy relationship with their parents and how much this has influenced and shaped their whole life, their whole being.
Narcissistic personality disorder versus narcissistic mother
The boundaries of whether your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder or "only" narcissistic behaviour are fluid. Narcissistic mothers do not necessarily have to have a narcissistic personality disorder in the clinical sense to have a massively damaging influence on the development of their daughters and sons. I am therefore dealing here with mothers with narcissistic traits in general. Of course, there are different degrees of narcissism - milder and stronger narcissistic behaviour. It is also not important for you to know exactly whether your mother has an explicit narcissistic personality disorder or "only" displays narcissistic behaviour. Both are extremely toxic.
Narcissistic personality disorder is - to put it simply - the intensification of narcissistic behaviour and must fulfil certain criteria according to ICD-10.
How does a narcissistic mother behave?
Narcissistic mothers regard their children as part of themselves, so the children cannot develop themselves. Any attempts at autonomy are prevented, devalued, ridiculed and criticised. As a result, the healthy psychological development of the child can be severely impaired. The daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers completely lose their identity.
Narcissistic mothers are unsympathetic, emotionally distant and use emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep the children emotionally dependent. Love is conditional. Silence and ignoring are used as punishment. Narcissistic mothers are very dominant and controlling and absolutely incapable of criticism.
Openly narcissistic mothers
Behaviour differs depending on whether it is overt or covert narcissism. Openly narcissistic mothers display grandiose, extroverted outwardly confident behaviour and demand admiration and can be openly aggressive.
Hidden narcissistic mother
A mother's covert or vulnerable narcissismis more difficult to recognize than overt narcissism, as the narcissistic behaviour is more subtle. A covertly narcissistic mother is more introverted, often acts seemingly selflessly, "sacrifices" herself for the family under the guise of taking outstanding care of the children. Under this guise, she dominates and controls the children and makes them emotionally dependent, manipulating them with feelings of guilt and fear.
If the children try to detach themselves, the covert or vulnerable narcissistic mother criticizes, devalues, ridicules and subtly makes it clear to the child that - if it does not follow the mother's advice - it will never be able to successfully master its life. Behind the selflessness of covertly narcissistic mothers lies a great need for recognition.
Characteristic symptoms of a narcissistic mother
Please note that just because some of the following characteristics and symptoms apply to your mother does not mean that you have a narcissistic mother. However, if many symptoms or all of the behaviors and characteristics listed apply to your mother, it is reasonable to suspect that you have a narcissistic mother. The behaviors can vary in severity. If your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder, the symptoms and signs can be much more pronounced than in a mother who "only" has narcissistic traits. There are, of course, many variations of the behaviors mentioned.
Do you want to free yourself from the effects of narcissistic abuse?
In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program we work on the root, your emotional hurts, you learn to take care of your hurt inner children and heal them little by little.Â
It suppresses your self-development
- Owns you
- Considers you as a part of themselves and not as an independent person
- what does not fit into their image does not exist or is denigrated
- prevents autonomy efforts of any kind, devalues or ridicules them or punishes you with silence
- Does not support a healthy development of your self-worth and individuality? individuality
- Decides about you for your own good, because you don't know what you want, e.g.
o What clothes you wear
o What hairstyle you have
o What school you go to
o Choose the school subjects for you, even in the upper school
o What education you do
o What profession you take up
o Find a flat according to their ideas
o Choose a sport
o What instrument you play, even if you are completely unmusical
o Whether you eat vegetarian food or meat - You are not allowed to have your own opinion
She blackmails you emotionally and manipulates you
- Often non-verbal, but very effective
- Withdrawal of love
- Ignores you
- Punishes You with Silence (Silent Treatment)
- If you are not as I want you to be, then......
- Love and affection come with strings attached
- Questions your perception (gaslighting)
- Stirs up self-doubt in you
- Portrays you as crazy if you question their actions or pursue things of your own
- Questions what and how you feel
- Spreads "funny" mood that you try to save as a child and manipulates you with it
She makes you emotionally dependent
- You still seek approval or advice from your mother even in adulthood.
She dominates and controls
- is always right, does not tolerate contradiction
- Is not able to accept your "no I don't want to".
- Has the need to keep you down
- Makes your successes small or does not react to them, ignores them
- Permanently exceeds your limits
- Controls you
- Humiliates and devalues you
- the contact with her is not at eye level
- Makes fun of you
- goes into competition with you
- is envious of you
Is emotionally cold
- Not capable of empathy
- Can't show real warmth, no maternal warmth
- is a purely functional mother
- Is emotionally unavailable
- does not care how you feel
- No warm, appreciative communication
- does not perceive that you do not have a personal, deep relationship
- You could never go to her when someone hurt you or when you were in pain because you were afraid that she would dig deeper into the wound instead of being there for you.
Uses you to realise itself
- it is not about promoting your talents and interests, but about your mother's self-realisation
- presents this as "sacrificing" for the family, but everything must be done according to their will, what you want is not relevant
She is absolutely incapable of criticism
- Is absolutely incapable of criticism, but constantly criticises you and others
- Considers himself infallible
- Cannot under any circumstances admit that she has made a mistake
- Causes you to feel guilty (guilt reversal)
- If you criticise a narcissistic mother, you will be punished.
Clarifying conversations are not possible, they are blocked off, you
- You are to blame
- Are wrong
- Are the problem
- Are difficult
- You are ungrateful
- you remembered it wrong
- cannot win against them
Often there is a "golden child" and a scapegoat
- one child is idealised and the other child is devalued, dominated, controlled, manipulated
- When you try to clarify this in conversation, she tells you that you are imagining it.
- the relationship between the siblings is often severely strainedas a result
Perfect family image on the outside - coldness and distance behind the façade
- Presents the perfect image of the perfect, harmonious family to the outside world, outward appearance is everything
- What goes on behind the façade must not be brought outside
- Distant contact, no emotional closeness, support or cordiality
- Conversations only about factual topics such as house, car, job, money
- No real participation in your life, in what really makes you you
- The family is focused on functioning and presenting
She perceives the relationship with you to be good as long as you
- You follow her
- have the same opinion as her
- You pursue the same interests
The narcissistic mother-daughter relationship
In the case of narcissism in the mother, the mother-daughter relationship is of particular importance. A narcissistic mother sees herself in her daughter. On the one hand, the mother sees her daughter as part of herself and thus prevents the healthy development of her daughter's own identity. On the other hand, she sees her own daughter as competition and unconsciously projects her own pain, worthlessness and insecurity onto her daughter and devalues her, keeps her down, criticizes and manipulates her.
In the case of narcissistic mothers, the mother-daughter relationship is therefore often permanently disturbed into adulthood due to this destructive dynamic.
If you are an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother struggling with the consequences, you may begin to break out of this destructive dynamic and begin to heal yourself.
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Dealing with a narcissistic mother
Narcissistic mothers are not insightful. This is a characteristic of narcissistic mothers. Everyone else is the problem or has the problem. The sooner you realise this and understand that she will never change, no matter how much you want her to, the better for you.
If the mother is narcissistic, the mother-daughter relationship will never be characterised by warm closeness. Never.
A narcissistic mother cannot empathise with you. If you, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, try to have a clarifying conversation with her, it will only lead to her telling you that you are to blame for the situation and that there is something wrong with you.
The fact is that you may start to care that you are well.
Basic rules for dealing with narcissistic mothers
These are some important ground rules for dealing with a narcissistic mother that can make your life easier.
1. do not take it personally
Her behavior has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her. Something can only come out of a person that is inside them. Let that sink in. Read this again.
Don't try to make her see reason, this is not possible with narcissists. You can't win an argument with a narcissist as a mother.
2. minimise contact
Minimise contact or break it off, at least for a while, create distance. It is your decision how often and how long you have contact with whom, even if it is your mother.
Take your needs into account, you do what is good for you and not what determines them.
3. keep the contact superficial
Keep the conversations superficial and factual so your mother can't use anything against you and can't hurt you emotionally.
4. learn to set boundaries
Set healthy boundaries, if they are not respected by her, leave or don't answer the phone.
5. strengthen your self-love and self-worth
Work on building your self-love and self-worth - narcissists can only act outtheir behaviour with people who have low self-worth.
6. become emotionally independent
Work on your emotional independence so that you can make free decisions.
Breaking off contact with a narcissistic mother, yes or no?
If you want to heal your soul and your body, you need space and time. Space for you and time for you. It is essential that you learn to set boundaries and this is not tolerable for narcissistic mothers. It may therefore be that minimising contact is not enough and that - at least for some time or possibly forever - breaking off contact with your narcissistic mother is the only way to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse.
And yes, it is allowed to break off contact with one's mother.
This also applies when your mother gets old.
Do you want to free yourself from your narcissistic mother?
In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program, I take you by the hand. We walk the path together. Piece by piece. The trauma is in your body, not in your head. What you can feel, you can heal.Â
End of life of a narcissistic mother
The most important thing here is: Listen to your need. What feels right for you?
Depending on where you are on your healing journey, it is important that you do not fall back into the machinery of your narcissistic mother's narcissistic games at the end of her life and in her old age.
Here you must and may clearly decide what is possible and good for you and what is not.
When it comes to care and assistance at the end of your narcissistic mother's life and in old age, there are social services for this. You don't have to do this yourself. You can keep contact and contact to a minimum if that feels good and right for you.
Narcissistic mothers impart feelings of guilt to their children, which will be stored in you for a lifetime if you have not worked through this. You must therefore take great care of yourself and separate yourself so that your narcissistic mother does not continue to manipulate you with feelings of guilt in old age and at the end of her life.
If you have a good relationship with your parents, it is a natural consequence that you will take care of them in old age. But if this is not given, you may free yourself from corresponding beliefs that you have to do this.
Say the following sentence out loud:
I respect you, but I don't care what you think about me.
It is your life!
You may say YES to yourself.
What consequences do narcissistic mothers leave behind for the affected children?
Children of narcissistic mothers often feel a deep insecurity, feel wrong, have no confidence in themselves and their abilities and own perceptions. They have been brainwashed that they are wrong the way they are and are therefore extremely conformist.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are afraid of not being loved, afraid of not being good enough, because if they are not loved or not good enough, it means that they might experience rejection. Rejection for a child means no protection, no care, no nourishment, which in the end would mean death.
This is where unconscious primal fears come into play.
As the daughter of a narcissistic mother who constantly undermines your own perception, at some point you no longer know who you actually are. You have lost yourself completely.
As a child you have acquired survival strategies - these are certain behavioural patterns - in order to be able to deal with the situation, to be able to survive. You stored these patterns in your subconscious as a child. These patterns are still active in you and affect your whole life if you do not work them out.
The first step to healing is to become aware of it. Because only when you are aware of something can you change it.
Who did you have to be for your mother?
What did your mother say to you?
What has that done to you?
The following list of consequences of a narcissistic mother is exemplary. Do you find yourself in it?
- You don't know who you really are, you have completely lost your identity.
- You are not good enough
- You want to please everyone, bend yourself out of fear of being hurt, criticised or ostracised, or in order to be accepted.
- You are dependent on love and recognition/attention from your mother or later from other people.
- You want to be loved at all costs and do everything for it because you have had negative experiences when you follow your own path.
- You are a puppet of your mother
- You feel inadequate
- You have the feeling that something is wrong with you
- You have never learned to trust your inner voice
- You often find yourself in victim rolesbecause this is what you radiate.
- You feel worthless, inferior
- You have low self-esteem
- You have learned not to talk back
- You are introverted, shy, quiet
- You do notfeel self-love
- You neglect your own wishes and needs
- You are afraid of being abandoned
- You sabotage yourself or are performance-oriented
- You suppress your own emotions (because of your mother's lack of empathy or because you are afraid of criticism).
- You were punished with silence (Silent Treatment)
- Deep inside you are afraid of your mother
- You are full of self-doubt
- You no longer feel yourself, you feel numb
- You feel an inner emptiness inside you
- You no longer feel
- You are emotionally dependent on your narcissistic mother, you feel the need to get her approval for everything you do because you lack any identity.
- You feel guilty if you do not follow your mother's "advice".
- You have lost contact with yourself, you have no feeling for yourself.
- You have lost confidence in yourself and your own perceptions and feelings.
- You have no self-confidence
- You find it very difficult to set boundaries
- You're afraid of getting in trouble
- You have no opinion of your own
- You were told you were a difficult child
- You don't work at your heart's job
- You have destructive or toxic relationship patterns, you are dependent on other people
- You have a helper syndrome (conflict avoidance or to "work out" recognition and love).
- You are perfectionistic (out of fear of never being good enough)
- You are afraid of doing something wrong
- You relate everything to yourself (reaction, words, moods).
- You cannot maintain eye contact in conversation with others
- You have a very good perception of moods and the unspoken
- You have emotional stress
- Your system is constantly in fear and stress mode
- You suffer from depressive mood, depression, burnout, addictions, sleep disorders
- You have psychosomatic complaints
Emotional blackmail by narcissistic mother
Narcissistic mothers often work with emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail or emotional abuse is psychological violence. Emotional abuse is subtle and can have many faces.
As the daughter of a narcissistic mother , as a child, you have unconsciously done EVERYTHING to receive love and affection, protection and nourishment. Because that is what we need as children to survive.Â
If your narcissistic mother used emotional blackmail to exert her power over you, this will create deep-seated negative beliefs in you that will continue to operate in adulthood if not resolved.
Many daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers only understand late on how much they have been shaped by the narcissistic mother.
If your mother manipulates you emotionally, this can look like this, among other things:
- she punishes you with silence (Silent Treatment)
- You know that if you don't do what she wants, she won't talk to you anymore.
- often happens non-verbally
- create feelings of guilt
- You have the feeling that you cannot decide freely, you are manipulated by the behaviour of your narcissistic mother (words, facial expressions, silence etc.) to do things that are unhealthy for you and that you also do not want.
- You feel you are responsible for family peace
- You are afraid of being deprived of love
- You are afraid of no longer getting support
- You have the choice between plague and cholera - either you do what your heart tells you and get silent treatment, no more support, criticism, devaluation or you follow the opinion of the narcissistic mother and sell your soul.
Emotional abuse leads to traumatisation
Daughters and sons of a narcissistic mother often experience traumatization due to emotional abuse or emotional blackmail, which can lead to the suppression of emotions. Those affected often experience
- Fainting
- Helplessness
- Uncertainty
- Fears
- Shame
- Debt
- Worthlessness
- Lost
- feel small
- Inadequacy
- Dependence
- be unlovable
- feel insignificant
Do you recognise yourself?
Are you ready to take your life back?
In my Narcissism Victim Therapy program, we work in depth on your emotional hurts. You are no longer alone. You are safe now. Your little one is safe now. I hold your space as you walk through your pain.Â
Silent treatment as a form of emotional abuse
Silent Treatment literally means: treatment by silence. Radio silence. Silent treatment is one of many manipulation techniques with which a narcissistic mother deeply unsettles and destabilises her children with sustained, deliberate silence and ignoring. She controls and manipulates you with Silent Treatment. You are air. You cease to exist. You are dead to the narcissist.Â
The narcissistic mother denies the existence of the victim. If you, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, have experienced victim "silent treatment", the knowing ignoring, punishment by silence, you may have developed enormous feelings of guilt, deep insecurities and fears as a result. Fear of criticism, fear of not being lovable, fear of not being right and many more. Because with "silent treatment" always comes the unspoken message, "You did something wrong." "You disappoint me." "You are not the way I want you to be." "You're not part of the family." "If you don't do what I want, I'll ignore you."
Silent treatment is emotional abuse. Silent treatment is psychological violence.
The result is that the affected children adapt to the point of complete self-sacrifice, completely negate their own wishes and needs, and at some point no longer even know them, just so that they no longer have to experience "silent treatment".
How should you respond to Silent Treatment?
Realise that
- You are right, just as you are
- Silent Treatment is an attempt to control and manipulate you
- You are not the problem, but your narcissistic mother.
- a narcissist is unable to communicate in a healthy way
- Silent Treatment Psychological Violence is
- a narcissist will not change
Draw the consequences
- Â Set limits!
- Communicate clearly what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. Stick to it.
- don't run after your narcissistic mother
Learn to love yourself. When you love yourself
- Â Your self-worth rises automatically
- You can set healthy boundaries
- a narcissist can no longer manipulate you
- you free yourself from your emotional dependence
Heal your inner child. You are an adult now. You no longer need your mother to survive. Let her be silent. This is your issue, not yours. Not anymore. She only has power over your wounded inner child, not over you as an adult. If you heal the injuries of your inner child, no silent treatment can affect you any more.Â
Surround yourself with people who are good for you. See what is good for you.
You are the voice now! You decide what you accept from your mother and to what you say: No thanks.Â
Emotional abuse leads to the formation of negative beliefs and convictions in the affected persons
A narcissistic mother or father often commits emotional abuse or emotional blackmail. Through emotional abuse, the children of a narcissistic mother and father develop destructive and limiting beliefs and convictions such as:
- I am not lovable
- I am not right
- I must not feel
- What I feel is wrong
- I must not be me
- I am not allowed to have my own opinion
- I have no needs
- I am unimportant
- I have to do what others say
- I am a bad daughter/bad son
- when I feel this, I die
- and many, many more
None of this is true. You just started to believe this at some point.
You have made another person's truth your truth.
But is that really true?
How to get out of the narcissism trap
When the individual building blocks all fall into place and the realisation or certainty seeps through to you that you probably have a narcissistic mother, you have found out that the things that have happened are called emotional blackmail, there is first of all a huge black hole.
Emotions may come up, such as anger. Anger at yourself for putting up with all this. Anger at your mother. Powerlessness or helplessness. Sadness about the lost time of your life. Grief about the mother you never had. You may feel overwhelmed. Hopeless. All of this is allowed to be here and is part of the healing process. The way back to you. The way home.
Take responsibility for your life and get your life back
You have built a wall around your heart to protect yourself from further injury and put yourself in chains.
The time to free yourself is NOW.
Who did you have to be for your narcissistic mother?
Who do you want to be?
Narcissistic mother - what to do? First steps
It is important that you acknowledge what has happened to you. This is an essential first step for your healing. It opens the door to healing. As long as you keep telling yourself that it wasn't that bad, you are gaslighting yourself. The emotional injuries, the traumatization that you have experienced want to be seen, acknowledged and felt.
And yes, you have experienced trauma due to narcissistic abuse.
Look for support that suits you, that understands you, that picks you up where you are right now. Talk therapy didn't help me personally at all, because the root of the problem, the emotional injuries, weren't touched in talk therapy. I very quickly realized that I needed more to heal than just talking about the problem.
Here you can feel inside yourself.
What do you need?
Based on my own personal experience, I have specialized in alternative therapy for children of a narcissistic mother, working with the inner child and trauma coaching.
